Life Update! | Mental Health, Education + Pets!

Hello, Lovelies! It's been a while, eh? Quite a bit has happened, and you wouldn't believe the number of times I've thought "I must blog about that" and then just haven't had the time to actually sit down and have a good old natter about life. I've got a ton of posts hanging around in drafts over the past month or two, but it didn't feel right to start writing them up and getting them posted without having a little catch up on where I've been, and most importantly where I'm going! 

First things first, we really can't have this post without mentioning my new little babies! I got kittens! I was originally just going to get Henry; but in the end, we decided to get his brother, Winston, too. They were far too attached to each other to separate them, and actually the morning I rang about Henry the people who had reserved Winston had rang up to say they couldn't take him after all, so it was definitely fate. Winston loves nothing more than sitting down on your knee and watching Youtube videos (I've trained him well!) whilst Henry is a bit more reserved. They've settled in with the other pets really well, too. Kaiser is in awe of them, and they've taken to him really well. The home they came from also had a German Shepherd, which was one of the main selling points in picking them, as it was important to us that they wouldn't be scared of Kaiser and that their first few interactions were positive; which is obviously a lot easier when they've been brought up with another big, slobbery dog. 

Henry is mostly black, and Winston is the one with a lot of white.

The next biggest thing has got to be my mental health. I've spoken in posts before about my mental health problems, but Thursday the 4th of August marked the day I was officially discharged after nearly 2 years in counseling! I also came off my medication about 2 months or so ago, which was a big step. I honestly couldn't be happier or prouder in the way that my life has changed this year. I've got a post in the works all about my mental health problems in more detail and how I coped with counseling, medication and things like that, which I'm really looking forward to putting together.

Another big change is my education! After many failed attempts, I'll be doing an Access to HE course this coming September. I'm keeping tight-lipped about the degree I'm hoping it will lead onto just in case it all goes tits up, but I'm beyond excited! It feels like everything's falling into place, and this just feels like it makes perfect sense. I've tried a few times before but it's just never been the right time for me, but with all the big improvements in my mental health; I think this is the right time, finally! I'll have a ton of posts up on applying to uni as a ~mature student, study tips, and all that kinda stuff once I get into the swing of things myself.

Let me know what things have been happening in your life that you're excited about below! 

Much love, Maxine xo

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How To Get A Better Night's Sleep | Tips + Tricks.

Hello, Lovelies! I mentioned in my recent post on getting out of a slump that getting a good night's sleep works wonders for boosting your motivation, and basically making your head seem clearer. My grandma, who was always right, used to always say that everything looked better after a good sleep and a cupper. And, I can't say I disagree with her! Here are some little tips and tricks I've found that have helped me improve my sleeping. 

1. Start small. Don't go into it thinking you'll go to bed at 9 if normally you're still binge watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix at 3am. You're not going to go to sleep anywhere near 9, which will just make you think about how you're not sleeping, which will in turn make you less likely to sleep, and you'll probably end up still being awake long after you'd normally be sleeping. I found that aiming to be asleep half an hour before I normally would worked for me. Once that's your routine, then aim for another half an hour until you're where you want to be. 

2. Turn. Off. The. Phone. And, the tele for that matter. Yep, and the laptop too! Try putting your phone on airplane mode about an hour before you want to lie down so you won't be distracted by any notifications (give it to someone else if you don't use it for your alarm!), turn off the tele and the laptop and do something outside of technology. Do some light yoga, meditate, read a book, anything that won't stimulate you too much, so when you're ready to head to bed you're ready to sleep. 

3. Leave the bed to sleeping. This is one I'm still working on, but I'm sure a lot of us watch tele in bed, do work, blog, write essays and countless other things (minds out of the gutter, please!). If you leave the bed to just sleeping, your mind will associate it with sleeping and not anything else, and you'll be much more likely to nod off. 

So, those are my top 3 tips for getting a better night's sleep. I promise, they do work. For me, at least. This is still something I'm working on, so if you've got any other tips please tell me. Every little helps! 

Much love, Maxine xo

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How To Get Out Of A Slump | Regain Your Motivation!

Hello lovelies! I was inspired to write this post recently when I was asked this question and I wasn't sure what to say. I've spoken before about my own battles with mental health, and with depression comes a definitely lack in motivation to do anything. A lack of enjoyment in activities that are usually full of joy, and a lack of motivation to even wake up and get out of bed, never mind begin these activities. I'm in no way claiming that these with 'fix' anything as serious as depression, but these are some little tips and tricks I've picked up that can help kick start that motivation to do something. However big or small. 

1. Start small! Things can often seem overwhelming, so break up the task into smaller parts, and if you need to and can do, split them over a few days. If you need to clean your room because it looks like a bomb's hit, start by picking up the washing, then sorting it, then taking any dishes back to the kitchen etc. It's much less daunting to do little tasks than one huge task, and I find I actually feel more motivated because I'm ticking off a ton of to-do's, rather than working for a what seems like ages and still having nothing to tick off. 

2. Do something for 5 minutes. This is one of my favourite ones. Using the same example, if you need to tidy/clean, just think "I'll do some of it while the ad break is on", and you'll often find that you keep going. It's often that initial not wanting to start that puts you off, but once you've got started you'll be more likely to just keep doing it. And, even if you don't, you've got 5 minutes of work done and that's still better than nothing! 

3. Get someone else involved! Not only will this sometimes half the task, but you'll be less likely to let that person down than yourself. Even if they can't help you with the task load in itself (say it's just going out and getting fresh air, someone won't half that 'workload'), but you'll be much more likley to do it if you'll be letting someone other than yourself down. It will also, more than likely, be more fun, which will make the task seem much easier.

4. Don't beat yourself up for not doing it! This is the most important one, but often the hardest. If you haven't done as much as you wanted to, or any of it at all, it's very easy to beat yourself up about it. But, in the long run it's actually just going to make the thing seem much bigger than it is, and it's going to put a negative light on it that will put you off doing it. Try to accept the fact that other things happened that day that meant you couldn't do it, and try again as soon as you can. 

5. Keep your insides healthy. Get a good nights sleep, drink your water, eat enough (and healthily!). This actually makes a massive difference, my sleep hygiene has always been shocking. I sleep very little sometimes and all day the the rest of the time, and I have a very poor quality of sleep. It could be as simple as just shutting off technology for an hour or so before bed, going to bed earlier, and adding in things like more activity through the day and/or meditation (these all work for me), but if you're still struggling it might be worth seeing a doctor. And, we've all heard it a million times over, but drinking your 2l of water and eating a bit healthier are all massive impactors on your mood. 

I hope these have helped, and if you've got anything else to add please leave your tips and tricks below!

Much love, Maxine xo

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Why Educating Cardiff Is Important To Me

Hello lovelies! I touched upon my absolute fascination and admiration for the show Education Cardiff in my Recent TV Loves post, and also mentioned that I might well open up about it a little bit more. About why I think it's important for young viewers, for the students in the school, and also for young adults like myself. I also want to point out that I am, in no way, drawing negativity on my school or the teachers I had. Many of them were fantastic.

*I may touch upon issues that some might find triggering. Be aware.

You may or may not have recently read my post where I briefly talked about my mental health issues, and the ways in which that affected my education, and as I saw it for a very long time my future (you can read that here if not). I talked about how the anxiety disorder I'm fighting now originally manifested itself as school phobia, which forced me to leave school for a while. I went from a relatively bright kid to a kid who'd took a lot of time out of education. Even before I left school, I wasn't attending the way I should have been. Looking back, I feel like a lot of my education level was stalled at around the Year 7 mark for a very long time. I want to make it very, very clear that my teachers did the very best that they could for me. I didn't do poorly in school. I received average GCSE results - 10.5 passes, mostly C's. All things considered, they were fantastic results and I absolutely want to stress that I'm not ashamed of them. But, when you've had a career in medicine in mind your entire life and you're suddenly told by everyone - before and after my GCSE results, or even my GCSE choices - that you're not clever enough anymore, that they aren't good enough, to pick another career, that "you won't even be clever enough to be a nurse". Well, where do you go from that?

So, how does all of this relate to Educating Cardiff, you ask? I do want to briefly talk about the way that the teachers in this school - and I'm sure hundreds of schools up and down the UK that haven't been given prime time tv shows - go above and beyond. We see teachers and staff really giving the kids a second chance, giving them the time and the tools to really dig themselves out of holes. Giving kids who are always late responsibilities before school that are fun, that they'll get out of bed for. Giving kids who struggle with issues outside of school a safe place to let that out. Giving kids safety and time and tools to actually appreciate their education.

However, that's not the main reason that I felt compelled to write this post. The reason I needed to write this is simply the staff and their own education pathway. So often in school, in my experience and in others' experience, you're told that the GCSE's you get are the GCSE's you get, and you either get your career or you don't. It's black and it's white. But, where do you go if you do your best but it's just not good enough? Where do you go if you're suddenly in your 20's or 30's or 40's and you're looking back and thinking "wow, 16 year old me really didn't take that seriously". The last year of school I put more effort in and I did my best and I got results that I'm proud of. That doesn't make them good enough though. If an employer or a university or whatever wants x amount of results and you haven't got them, what do you do then?

The representation of life after not good enough results needs to be there. I needed teachers to be open and honest about the fact that they got their first GCSE at 27, or that they spent their first year after school resitting their GCSE's. I needed teachers to say to me "look, what happened, happened but this isn't black and white". You can resit. You can look into access courses. There's a way out of this. I spent years going from one college course to another, and none of them fit. They weren't what I really wanted from my life. Had I have had teachers who could be a physical representation that there's a massive grey area of longer ways to your education, things might well have turned out differently. Maybe they wouldn't have. I had - and still do have - more issues beyond this. That said, there are kids sitting in classes right now, trying their best and just not getting the results they need. There's kids not taking things seriously who will regret that however many years later. Those kids need teachers who can say "I was where you are, and I did it. It was hard work and it was the long way around but I did it".

I don't want anyone, especially those still in school, to take away from this post that I think it's okay to slack off. That's not what I'm saying. But, life happens and young people need to have that representation there. I spent a long time resenting myself and my illness for the fact that I wasn't good enough because that's what I was told. You need teachers - and nurses and doctors and scientists and any other career - to be that representation that life after bad results happens. That life actually is one grey area, it's not good GCSE's = career, bad GCSE = life over. You can get GCSE's that initially rule you out of your career and you can just keep going. It's hard work and it's the long way around but there is another way if you want it.

Educating Cardiff is important to me because the staff give hope to an underrepresented group of children and young people. Life after bad results isn't talked about. Life after bad results certainly isn't talked about in school. I understand the temptation to not talk about it - what if they take away from it that they can slack off because there's another way later on? I do understand that. I understand why it's important to talk about doing your best the first time. I just don't think it's right. From a student who tried her best and still didn't do good enough, and from a student who is currently taking the long way to her career path, that conversation needs to be opened up. We need to start having that conversation, and what better way than with the people who have already been there and done it?

Bad results happen, but life after bad results also happens.

Much love, Maxine xo

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The Hardest, Most Honest Post...

Hello Lovelies! I've been very apprehensive about posting this at all, and even as I write this, I'm planning out another post to put in it's place should I change my mind. However, if you're reading this I've obviously gone through with it. And, it's gonna be a long one, folks.

*This might be triggering for some people.

http://free-your-mind.tumblr.com/post/110937668956

Now, it's no secret that I sometimes 'go missing'. If you follow me on any other social networks, I don't even post there for sometimes months on end. And, I never really explain it. Of course, there are obvious reasons, like the internet going down or the house being an actual building site. However, that's not always the case. Sometimes it's not the case at all. Others, it's a mix of them both.

You see, this time last year I finally began receiving help for mental health issues that I didn't even know I had. Some I'd been suffering with for a decade without speaking out. It's a tangled situation that even now I'm not sure I understand fully. But, it's a situation that even I didn't know I was in. And, that's probably the most scary part about all of this. That things had spiralled out of control so badly, but I hadn't even realised.

http://healthyhappysexywealthy.tumblr.com/post/125131509639

My anxiety disorder started when I was 11 years old, in 2004. I had a lot going on that year, with the transition up to big school along with family issues that I won't go into. It was a lot to take in, and for an already anxious kid, things just took over. I don't think I even knew it was really that bad, until I had to leave school because the fear was absolutely crippling. I took a little over a year out, and made the big decision to head back in the Easter of Year 9, when I was 14. Of course, my education had taken a bit of a beating, despite my mum's best efforts. However, my social anxiety hadn't even really started by this point.

Things really started when I was 18. I very quickly went from a typical 18 year old, doing the typical 18 year old things, to a very reserved, quiet person. My anxiety had always limited what I felt capable of doing, even if I didn't fully understand what was happening by this point, but for the most part my social life didn't much suffer. I couldn't get on public transport, or go to unfamiliar places unless I had friends around, but everyone was fairly understanding of this and made allowances.

http://healthyhappysexywealthy.tumblr.com/post/125042948809

Then, in July 2011, my granddad died. He hadn't been well for a very long time, but over the space of a few months he'd gone from an active gentleman with a few health problems to a man who couldn't walk from the sofa to the stairs. It hit me like a train. We knew he wasn't well, of course, but we didn't realise just how soon things were going to escalate to that level. He'd always been my best friend, he hadn't thought twice about standing in for my dad when he left, and in all honesty I couldn't have asked for a better father figure anyway. So, that afternoon was quite possibly the hardest of my life. I always knew it would hit me hard, but I don't think I ever anticipated the effect it would truly have.

I carried a lot of guilt for the way things turned out that day. I completely went to pieces, and while my mum and sister stayed strong and phoned the ambulance, I was a complete mess. My best friend had just died in front of me and I reacted in a completely logical way. And, I blamed myself for that. 'If only I'd stayed strong', 'I should have been there for them', 'I should have saved him'. Of course, I couldn't. In my logical states I do understand that, and I understand that the way I reacted was perfectly normal, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. In my logical states.

That was when my depression really took hold. I cut myself off from people, cancelling plans and ignoring texts, not even talking to family I lived with for days on end. Which, of course, only allowed my anxiety disorder to really take hold over my life and become totally unmanageable. I was unpredictable, one day I'd be 'fine', the next the thought of getting out of bed on a morning was crippling and filled me with terror. 

My mood swings were terrible. I'd go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. I'd have all the energy in the world, then not enough to leave the sofa. I'd go from laughing to hysterically crying at the drop of a hat. I'd get angry and not know why. Sometimes I'd have no emotion or reaction at all. I didn't know what I'd be like from one minute to the next. 

I had my first night terror the following January. From then on, even sleeping was an issue that terrified me. I'd only sleep under certain conditions - if someone was there, if the TV was on and at just the right volume, if the lights were on, if people in the house were still awake. I'd have the same nightmare anywhere from a few times a week to a few times a night. This was the beginning of my PTSD.

I allowed this situation to spiral out of control for the next few years. It wasn't until this time last year - November 2014 -  that I finally spoke out. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It had taken me a long time to even understand something was wrong with me. My mum made me a doctors appointment the following day, and I received counselling almost immediately.

http://positivedoodles.tumblr.com/post/83846318767/requested-by-scotsgaelic

I don't always understand the situation I'm in. I'm better than I was this time last year, but not where I want to be. I've got clear goals that I'm working towards, one step at a time. However, I really wanted to make this post because it's not something I talk about at all. Aside from a small handful of people, I don't talk about it at all. I've got close friends who don't know at all, and some who only know half the story. This is a post I had to write for myself, but also a post I hope will help even just one other person in my situation.

Speaking out was the best decision I've ever made. It was daunting, and it felt like my world would end if I did. But, my life began when I did. I can see a way out, even if I'm still a while away from it. That's what I want people to take away from this. I hope to put together a post about my recovering and coping methods soon, but I'll answer any questions before that asap.

I have credited images as best as I can, however if you see something incorrectly sourced and/or want something removed, I'll be happy to oblige.

Much love, Maxine xo

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