I'm Back! | Life Update + New Blogging Beginnings

Hello, Lovelies! Once again, it has been a while! I can't apologise enough, but life has been absolutely upside down for me. I've had a ton of stress, a lot of new things going on and just life in general, which has left me with a serious slump in motivation and time to get anything done. I hope you understand. 

So, I just wanted to have a little chat about the direction the blog is going in. When I first started blogging, I fit myself into a very strict blogging box, which of course was very restrictive when it came to the content I felt like I could post. So, I merged both of those blogs into this, which was just meant to be a "whatever I fancy posting" kind of blog. However, I've found that I still put those restrictions on myself when I'm coming up with new ideas. Which, to be honest, just leaves me a bit "meh", because what I feel like I have to post about I'm just not that into at the time, and what I want to post I'm just not happy posting. 

I've been being a bit more "daring" about what I've been posting recently, which is what I want to do with my blog. I want it to be more of a representation of myself as a whole, rather than just a small section of my life. Of course, beauty blogging will always be something that I want to blog about, but also as I come to understand my mental health issues more, and just generally grow and evolve as a person, I want to address those things too. 

So, as well as an "I'm back" post, it's also a bit of a heads up that there will be more general lifestyle posts, which I personally am very excited by!

Much love, Maxine xo

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Why Educating Cardiff Is Important To Me

Hello lovelies! I touched upon my absolute fascination and admiration for the show Education Cardiff in my Recent TV Loves post, and also mentioned that I might well open up about it a little bit more. About why I think it's important for young viewers, for the students in the school, and also for young adults like myself. I also want to point out that I am, in no way, drawing negativity on my school or the teachers I had. Many of them were fantastic.

*I may touch upon issues that some might find triggering. Be aware.

You may or may not have recently read my post where I briefly talked about my mental health issues, and the ways in which that affected my education, and as I saw it for a very long time my future (you can read that here if not). I talked about how the anxiety disorder I'm fighting now originally manifested itself as school phobia, which forced me to leave school for a while. I went from a relatively bright kid to a kid who'd took a lot of time out of education. Even before I left school, I wasn't attending the way I should have been. Looking back, I feel like a lot of my education level was stalled at around the Year 7 mark for a very long time. I want to make it very, very clear that my teachers did the very best that they could for me. I didn't do poorly in school. I received average GCSE results - 10.5 passes, mostly C's. All things considered, they were fantastic results and I absolutely want to stress that I'm not ashamed of them. But, when you've had a career in medicine in mind your entire life and you're suddenly told by everyone - before and after my GCSE results, or even my GCSE choices - that you're not clever enough anymore, that they aren't good enough, to pick another career, that "you won't even be clever enough to be a nurse". Well, where do you go from that?

So, how does all of this relate to Educating Cardiff, you ask? I do want to briefly talk about the way that the teachers in this school - and I'm sure hundreds of schools up and down the UK that haven't been given prime time tv shows - go above and beyond. We see teachers and staff really giving the kids a second chance, giving them the time and the tools to really dig themselves out of holes. Giving kids who are always late responsibilities before school that are fun, that they'll get out of bed for. Giving kids who struggle with issues outside of school a safe place to let that out. Giving kids safety and time and tools to actually appreciate their education.

However, that's not the main reason that I felt compelled to write this post. The reason I needed to write this is simply the staff and their own education pathway. So often in school, in my experience and in others' experience, you're told that the GCSE's you get are the GCSE's you get, and you either get your career or you don't. It's black and it's white. But, where do you go if you do your best but it's just not good enough? Where do you go if you're suddenly in your 20's or 30's or 40's and you're looking back and thinking "wow, 16 year old me really didn't take that seriously". The last year of school I put more effort in and I did my best and I got results that I'm proud of. That doesn't make them good enough though. If an employer or a university or whatever wants x amount of results and you haven't got them, what do you do then?

The representation of life after not good enough results needs to be there. I needed teachers to be open and honest about the fact that they got their first GCSE at 27, or that they spent their first year after school resitting their GCSE's. I needed teachers to say to me "look, what happened, happened but this isn't black and white". You can resit. You can look into access courses. There's a way out of this. I spent years going from one college course to another, and none of them fit. They weren't what I really wanted from my life. Had I have had teachers who could be a physical representation that there's a massive grey area of longer ways to your education, things might well have turned out differently. Maybe they wouldn't have. I had - and still do have - more issues beyond this. That said, there are kids sitting in classes right now, trying their best and just not getting the results they need. There's kids not taking things seriously who will regret that however many years later. Those kids need teachers who can say "I was where you are, and I did it. It was hard work and it was the long way around but I did it".

I don't want anyone, especially those still in school, to take away from this post that I think it's okay to slack off. That's not what I'm saying. But, life happens and young people need to have that representation there. I spent a long time resenting myself and my illness for the fact that I wasn't good enough because that's what I was told. You need teachers - and nurses and doctors and scientists and any other career - to be that representation that life after bad results happens. That life actually is one grey area, it's not good GCSE's = career, bad GCSE = life over. You can get GCSE's that initially rule you out of your career and you can just keep going. It's hard work and it's the long way around but there is another way if you want it.

Educating Cardiff is important to me because the staff give hope to an underrepresented group of children and young people. Life after bad results isn't talked about. Life after bad results certainly isn't talked about in school. I understand the temptation to not talk about it - what if they take away from it that they can slack off because there's another way later on? I do understand that. I understand why it's important to talk about doing your best the first time. I just don't think it's right. From a student who tried her best and still didn't do good enough, and from a student who is currently taking the long way to her career path, that conversation needs to be opened up. We need to start having that conversation, and what better way than with the people who have already been there and done it?

Bad results happen, but life after bad results also happens.

Much love, Maxine xo

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The Hardest, Most Honest Post...

Hello Lovelies! I've been very apprehensive about posting this at all, and even as I write this, I'm planning out another post to put in it's place should I change my mind. However, if you're reading this I've obviously gone through with it. And, it's gonna be a long one, folks.

*This might be triggering for some people.

http://free-your-mind.tumblr.com/post/110937668956

Now, it's no secret that I sometimes 'go missing'. If you follow me on any other social networks, I don't even post there for sometimes months on end. And, I never really explain it. Of course, there are obvious reasons, like the internet going down or the house being an actual building site. However, that's not always the case. Sometimes it's not the case at all. Others, it's a mix of them both.

You see, this time last year I finally began receiving help for mental health issues that I didn't even know I had. Some I'd been suffering with for a decade without speaking out. It's a tangled situation that even now I'm not sure I understand fully. But, it's a situation that even I didn't know I was in. And, that's probably the most scary part about all of this. That things had spiralled out of control so badly, but I hadn't even realised.

http://healthyhappysexywealthy.tumblr.com/post/125131509639

My anxiety disorder started when I was 11 years old, in 2004. I had a lot going on that year, with the transition up to big school along with family issues that I won't go into. It was a lot to take in, and for an already anxious kid, things just took over. I don't think I even knew it was really that bad, until I had to leave school because the fear was absolutely crippling. I took a little over a year out, and made the big decision to head back in the Easter of Year 9, when I was 14. Of course, my education had taken a bit of a beating, despite my mum's best efforts. However, my social anxiety hadn't even really started by this point.

Things really started when I was 18. I very quickly went from a typical 18 year old, doing the typical 18 year old things, to a very reserved, quiet person. My anxiety had always limited what I felt capable of doing, even if I didn't fully understand what was happening by this point, but for the most part my social life didn't much suffer. I couldn't get on public transport, or go to unfamiliar places unless I had friends around, but everyone was fairly understanding of this and made allowances.

http://healthyhappysexywealthy.tumblr.com/post/125042948809

Then, in July 2011, my granddad died. He hadn't been well for a very long time, but over the space of a few months he'd gone from an active gentleman with a few health problems to a man who couldn't walk from the sofa to the stairs. It hit me like a train. We knew he wasn't well, of course, but we didn't realise just how soon things were going to escalate to that level. He'd always been my best friend, he hadn't thought twice about standing in for my dad when he left, and in all honesty I couldn't have asked for a better father figure anyway. So, that afternoon was quite possibly the hardest of my life. I always knew it would hit me hard, but I don't think I ever anticipated the effect it would truly have.

I carried a lot of guilt for the way things turned out that day. I completely went to pieces, and while my mum and sister stayed strong and phoned the ambulance, I was a complete mess. My best friend had just died in front of me and I reacted in a completely logical way. And, I blamed myself for that. 'If only I'd stayed strong', 'I should have been there for them', 'I should have saved him'. Of course, I couldn't. In my logical states I do understand that, and I understand that the way I reacted was perfectly normal, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. In my logical states.

That was when my depression really took hold. I cut myself off from people, cancelling plans and ignoring texts, not even talking to family I lived with for days on end. Which, of course, only allowed my anxiety disorder to really take hold over my life and become totally unmanageable. I was unpredictable, one day I'd be 'fine', the next the thought of getting out of bed on a morning was crippling and filled me with terror. 

My mood swings were terrible. I'd go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. I'd have all the energy in the world, then not enough to leave the sofa. I'd go from laughing to hysterically crying at the drop of a hat. I'd get angry and not know why. Sometimes I'd have no emotion or reaction at all. I didn't know what I'd be like from one minute to the next. 

I had my first night terror the following January. From then on, even sleeping was an issue that terrified me. I'd only sleep under certain conditions - if someone was there, if the TV was on and at just the right volume, if the lights were on, if people in the house were still awake. I'd have the same nightmare anywhere from a few times a week to a few times a night. This was the beginning of my PTSD.

I allowed this situation to spiral out of control for the next few years. It wasn't until this time last year - November 2014 -  that I finally spoke out. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It had taken me a long time to even understand something was wrong with me. My mum made me a doctors appointment the following day, and I received counselling almost immediately.

http://positivedoodles.tumblr.com/post/83846318767/requested-by-scotsgaelic

I don't always understand the situation I'm in. I'm better than I was this time last year, but not where I want to be. I've got clear goals that I'm working towards, one step at a time. However, I really wanted to make this post because it's not something I talk about at all. Aside from a small handful of people, I don't talk about it at all. I've got close friends who don't know at all, and some who only know half the story. This is a post I had to write for myself, but also a post I hope will help even just one other person in my situation.

Speaking out was the best decision I've ever made. It was daunting, and it felt like my world would end if I did. But, my life began when I did. I can see a way out, even if I'm still a while away from it. That's what I want people to take away from this. I hope to put together a post about my recovering and coping methods soon, but I'll answer any questions before that asap.

I have credited images as best as I can, however if you see something incorrectly sourced and/or want something removed, I'll be happy to oblige.

Much love, Maxine xo

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Puppy Loving | Meet Sabine.

Hello, Lovelies! It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that! You know how I said that the work in the house was done? Yeah. It didn't quite work out like that. We're still having little issues, but fingers crossed that this time all the big work has been completed.

So, now we've covered that, how about a bit of cuteness? Go on then! Whilst I've been away, we got a new addition to the puppy family. Meet Sabine! 

Aren't her eyes gorgeous? She's 15 weeks currently, and we've had her slightly over 3 weeks. 

We were, initially, worried about how Kaiser would take to her. Smiter has been through the transition of a new puppy before - when we got Kaiser - but Kaiser has been the baby for best part of 3 years now, so he was the one we weren't sure about. 

Admittedly, at first, we did have a few issues. He wasn't quite sure what to make of her, but after a little bit of growling and avoiding, they've become inseparable. We brought her home at about 7.30pm, and by about 10 pm that night he was following her around like, well, a lost puppy! Wherever one of them is, you can be sure the other isn't far behind! 

Smiter, on the other hand, was the problem! At first, he loved her. Then, he realised this wasn't a play date and he'd have to share his house with someone else. It's taken him a bit longer than Kaiser to really bond with her, but we did get there. 

So, that's the introduction to Sabine! I hope you enjoyed and don't forget to follow me on Instagram and Snapchat for more updates of the three musketeers! 

Much love, Maxine xo

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Recent Instagram + Where I've Been | May+June Update.

Hello Lovelies! First things first, I've missed you guys! If there's anything I love, it's a good old rant, and the fact you guys sometimes listen is an absolute mystery to me. A very pleasant mystery, though! I know I've been gone for forever, I honestly didn't mean to be gone for so long but sadly life just got in the way. 

I originally planned to take a break until the beginning of June, whilst we got some work done in the house, simply because I wouldn't have the time nor the energy to blog while a constant stream of men trooped in and out of my house and ripped it apart. However, the work just ran over the time we were given (if you follow me on twitter, you'll know I've had a good old rant about them once or twice!), and I was far too stressed with it all to even contemplate picking up a laptop. 

Secondly, not one hour after the men finally left my house, the internet packed up! Just my luck, eh? It's all fixed now, thankfully, and I can stop hammering my phone internet. I thought I'd get back into the swing of things with a bit of an Instagram update type post, links to all social media will be posted at the bottom of this post, as always. 

This month was the 1 year mark of us losing my dog, Goldie. I'm sure you all know about Kaiser, but Goldie was my best friend for 14 years. If there's one show I've been loving more than anything else this month, it would probably by Pretty Little Liars, I'm loving the twists and turns of the new season. If there's one thing that keeps me from straying back to dairy, it's Oatly Oat milk, especially their chocolate drink. Of course, I couldn't have an Instagram post without my little man. June also marked my sister's 33rd birthday, I stayed up well into the early morning trying to make the living room look less like a building site and more like a home again. I only mildly succeeded. This past Sunday I decided to dip dye my hair blue, I originally wanted lilac but of course it was the only colour that was in storage (typical!) so I went with blue instead. And, last but not least, my favourite fotd of this past week. I will be doing a post on this look, mainly because they're all my favourite products lately. 

And, breathe! Sorry this was such a wordy post, considering the lack of excitement in my life recently, there's actually been a lot to catch up on. Feel free to leave your links in a comment below, I'm always looking for new reads. 

Maxine, xo

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