The Hardest, Most Honest Post...

Hello Lovelies! I've been very apprehensive about posting this at all, and even as I write this, I'm planning out another post to put in it's place should I change my mind. However, if you're reading this I've obviously gone through with it. And, it's gonna be a long one, folks.

*This might be triggering for some people.

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Now, it's no secret that I sometimes 'go missing'. If you follow me on any other social networks, I don't even post there for sometimes months on end. And, I never really explain it. Of course, there are obvious reasons, like the internet going down or the house being an actual building site. However, that's not always the case. Sometimes it's not the case at all. Others, it's a mix of them both.

You see, this time last year I finally began receiving help for mental health issues that I didn't even know I had. Some I'd been suffering with for a decade without speaking out. It's a tangled situation that even now I'm not sure I understand fully. But, it's a situation that even I didn't know I was in. And, that's probably the most scary part about all of this. That things had spiralled out of control so badly, but I hadn't even realised.

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My anxiety disorder started when I was 11 years old, in 2004. I had a lot going on that year, with the transition up to big school along with family issues that I won't go into. It was a lot to take in, and for an already anxious kid, things just took over. I don't think I even knew it was really that bad, until I had to leave school because the fear was absolutely crippling. I took a little over a year out, and made the big decision to head back in the Easter of Year 9, when I was 14. Of course, my education had taken a bit of a beating, despite my mum's best efforts. However, my social anxiety hadn't even really started by this point.

Things really started when I was 18. I very quickly went from a typical 18 year old, doing the typical 18 year old things, to a very reserved, quiet person. My anxiety had always limited what I felt capable of doing, even if I didn't fully understand what was happening by this point, but for the most part my social life didn't much suffer. I couldn't get on public transport, or go to unfamiliar places unless I had friends around, but everyone was fairly understanding of this and made allowances.

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Then, in July 2011, my granddad died. He hadn't been well for a very long time, but over the space of a few months he'd gone from an active gentleman with a few health problems to a man who couldn't walk from the sofa to the stairs. It hit me like a train. We knew he wasn't well, of course, but we didn't realise just how soon things were going to escalate to that level. He'd always been my best friend, he hadn't thought twice about standing in for my dad when he left, and in all honesty I couldn't have asked for a better father figure anyway. So, that afternoon was quite possibly the hardest of my life. I always knew it would hit me hard, but I don't think I ever anticipated the effect it would truly have.

I carried a lot of guilt for the way things turned out that day. I completely went to pieces, and while my mum and sister stayed strong and phoned the ambulance, I was a complete mess. My best friend had just died in front of me and I reacted in a completely logical way. And, I blamed myself for that. 'If only I'd stayed strong', 'I should have been there for them', 'I should have saved him'. Of course, I couldn't. In my logical states I do understand that, and I understand that the way I reacted was perfectly normal, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. In my logical states.

That was when my depression really took hold. I cut myself off from people, cancelling plans and ignoring texts, not even talking to family I lived with for days on end. Which, of course, only allowed my anxiety disorder to really take hold over my life and become totally unmanageable. I was unpredictable, one day I'd be 'fine', the next the thought of getting out of bed on a morning was crippling and filled me with terror. 

My mood swings were terrible. I'd go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. I'd have all the energy in the world, then not enough to leave the sofa. I'd go from laughing to hysterically crying at the drop of a hat. I'd get angry and not know why. Sometimes I'd have no emotion or reaction at all. I didn't know what I'd be like from one minute to the next. 

I had my first night terror the following January. From then on, even sleeping was an issue that terrified me. I'd only sleep under certain conditions - if someone was there, if the TV was on and at just the right volume, if the lights were on, if people in the house were still awake. I'd have the same nightmare anywhere from a few times a week to a few times a night. This was the beginning of my PTSD.

I allowed this situation to spiral out of control for the next few years. It wasn't until this time last year - November 2014 -  that I finally spoke out. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It had taken me a long time to even understand something was wrong with me. My mum made me a doctors appointment the following day, and I received counselling almost immediately.

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I don't always understand the situation I'm in. I'm better than I was this time last year, but not where I want to be. I've got clear goals that I'm working towards, one step at a time. However, I really wanted to make this post because it's not something I talk about at all. Aside from a small handful of people, I don't talk about it at all. I've got close friends who don't know at all, and some who only know half the story. This is a post I had to write for myself, but also a post I hope will help even just one other person in my situation.

Speaking out was the best decision I've ever made. It was daunting, and it felt like my world would end if I did. But, my life began when I did. I can see a way out, even if I'm still a while away from it. That's what I want people to take away from this. I hope to put together a post about my recovering and coping methods soon, but I'll answer any questions before that asap.

I have credited images as best as I can, however if you see something incorrectly sourced and/or want something removed, I'll be happy to oblige.

Much love, Maxine xo

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